Look At Me
by lumos maximum
Summary: The reason Severus Snape chose those three words as his last ones. One-shot. SS/LEP


Swedish A/N: It's an extremely gray Tuesday in Sweden while I'm writing this, Their story is so ironic.. so tragic, so .. passionated.  
as always when thinking of the Princes tale I listen to My skin by Natalie Merchant. I'm a bit ill and it's awfully depressing outside; why is it that the most beautiful things in life always have shades of gray?  
No ownership.

*

**Look At Me**  
Severus Snape/Lily Potter

* * *

"Look…at…me"

Never did Severus Snape think that those eyes would meet his black, worn out eyes as he said those words. The eyes of the only one he thought before he inhaled his last breaths, felt his last heart beats and rethought the weak moments in his miserable life. He reflected for barely a second about the last time he said those words but this time she had been staring right into his eyes. This time the eyes he admired pierced his blacks with grief, chock and a wave of confusion, it was as she had been there, felt him and filled him with strength to take a final breath and listen to the excruciating sound of his broken heart final beats.  
It was like her emerald greens had met his desiring blacks all those years ago.

***

Diagon Alley, the street of everything from Acromantula venom to Whizz Hard Books shop. It used to be a living street with colorful posters admired by smiling people with colorful robes, hats and boots. You could easily fall in love with the brooms displayed; with the books in their chronicle order or with a chocolate ice-cream from Forsecaus and still manage to get a day's chores done. The beauty with Diagonal Alley was the people rushing between the shops but always stopped to shoot a smile, a wink or even a hello.

That was the Diagon Alley from the past, the Alley was now filled with everything from Anti-Muggle books to Zabinis Potions. The living street was absorbed by the darkness that spread the country and the people all felt it. There was no time to fall in love in front of the different displays anymore even if they had something without traces of darkness. The romance in the Alley had been removed to an extent that the people rushing between the shops prayed silently that their shopping trip would be over with quickly, there was no times for smiles, winks and centennially no time to say hello to the wrong people.

Lily was one of the wrong people, a mudblood and a muggle-born, the reason You-Know-Who terrorized them. A low, if not the lowest position in a new pure blood society so with that always in her mind she did her biddings quickly, ran through almost any shop and kept to herself just praying that nothing would happen to her. She almost regretted leaving the house without James next to her but as long as she held her head low and didn't stare at anyone too long she would be fine, right?

The last purchase came as a blessing in Flourish & Blotts. Lily carefully wrapped the book and put it next to the other books she bought. Without bothering to thank the clerk she left the store quickly to both her and his relief. The street was empty at first which was more frightening than a busy one. That meant someone or even something was terrifying the people enough to go into hiding in the other stores. She stared from her at the mighty Gringotts only two shops away from her and saw a familiar person that was the reason of the fright.

Oh, the never ending irony of it all.

"Sev" Lily called across the street and quickly pulled both her hands to her mouth. Her shopping bags fell to the ground and the earsplitting crash from the stone street implied that a lot of bottles of glass were destroyed. It was obvious by the terror and the shame in Lilys face that she regretted calling for the dark-dressed man with the long black hair framing his yellow toned face. Slowly the man turned towards her, like a bat in this already darkened street and met her eyes with surprise and badly hidden joy. His eyes glanced down Lilys body to see something that turned the surprise and joy in his black eyes to powerful disgust.  
"Lily" Severus stern voice answered, still keeping the distance of the Gringgotts stairs between them.  
Lily struggled with the words, what was there to say to a Death Eater who despised everything she was but the more concerning question; what was there to say to a lost friend who saw her carry the child of her arch enemy?  
Lily was the one who let those three letters take shape to the word "Sev" in her mouth so she was the one left alone to complete the task of finding _something_ to say to him.

"How are you holding up?" Lily heard her voice say doubtfully; she didn't know if she wanted to hear the answer of darkness Severus could give her. His darkness made a odd contrast to the white stairsteps of Gringotts but it was his dead eyes that told her he wasn't coping well, the bulky black circles around his eyes twitched a little and a smile formed on his slim lips, almost taunting her question.  
"Brilliant" Severus alleged ironically not even minding asking Lily back. His eyes were fixed on her stomach now. Severus stared down pass her abnormally huge stomach to the neglected bags on the stone street. Lily stood there, not minding the bags, alone in a street where you never went alone these days in case you met a Death Eater who had something to do with you, or not.

Oh, the never ending irony of it all.

"I assume you want them there?" Severus said with the same ironic tone he had before and nodded toward the bags that laid solemnly on the emptied street.  
"No, and I wouldn't mind you pick them up either" Lily answered coldly. A Death Eater picking up her shopping bags; that's too much of what she bargained for when she decided to the Diagon Alley this day.  
"Not at all" Severus answered her coolly. He waved his wand multiplied times to fix the broken glass in the individual bags and let them hover with the flick of his wand so she could reach them easily. A wave of affection towards the bravery in Lily ran through Severus as she crabbed her shopping bags confidently, she didn't care much of tomorrow it seemed, _how foolish,_ standing and talking like that to one who could easily take her and that child in her belly away with one green-shooting spell.  
"Thank you Severus" Lily said shortly and stared into her bags. Severus knew it was the lack of words that made her thank him and the awkwardness that made her stare into the bags.  
"Whose baby is that?" Severus snapped and met Lilys eyes while he slowly approached her on the empty street. It was to keep her talking, to keep her staying put Severus admitted but he already figured out the horrid answer. His steps were the only thing filling this emptied street.

The eyes of the masses hidden like cowards in the different streets stared at the Death Eater approaching the pregnant woman but no-one took action, no-one was ready to defend Lily if she needed it. _How mocking to stand and see a helpless woman meeting a possible end without interfering and they are the ones calling me evil_ he thought. But Lily stood still, with her eyes burning as vivid as her flaming red hair without answering the question, just waiting for him to approach her.  
Severus stood barely a meter away from Lily with his wand raised. The eyes of the spectators were still fixed on the scene outside, so many people witnessing but not doing anything. Even doing wrong for what you believed is better than not doing anything. He put the wand towards his throat.  
"Are you going to let a helplessly weak and pregnant woman meet her end without doing anything? Is this how you call yourself _true_, _loyal?_ How can you even live with yourselves?" Severus yelled with his magically loud voice and left a bitter echo of his own words in the abandoned street.

He waved his wand and locked all the doors to the shops and draw magical curtains in front of all shop windows. The people were shut away from this scene but their mocking silhouettes were visible through the fabric.  
"Who are _you_ to tell them to be true and loyal; the question is not how they could live with themselves – it's how you can live with yourself?" Lily said ice-cold and stared Severus right through to his soul.  
Lily knew he was talking about himself when he yelled.  
Severus was never the person to raise his bored tone to rant on people besides Black and _Potter_, he didn't care much for the failures of others than the failures he made. Lily sympathized with his weak voice and his shortened temper. Severus poise was slowly slipping away from him; Lily could only assume that it was the burden of darkness.  
"I barely live" Severus said shortly with no emotion in his voice.  
"Then stop doing bad Sev" Lily pleaded and forced herself to not care what he did with his life. But it was a lie, Lily knew perfectly well why she cared – it was simple. The word was love.  
"I am a Prince, remember?" Severus answered Lily slowly with a frown.  
They both shared that part of Severus pain and fear.

Oh, the never ending irony of it all.

There was a moment when both their eyes sparkled, where lips twitched to give a smile even if it was inappropriate to feel joy these times. The need of embracing each other and scream the words of forgiveness and love rose extremely these days when you didn't know if you would have the ability to breath tomorrow. They didn't move however, just staring in each other eyes as they did all those times when the words ran out. Lily saw the child in Severus, the insecure and hurt child that just wanted somebody to share everything with. She saw glimpses of the never ending love he held for her hidden behind all that grief and darkness he now strode around in. Severus saw the girl running around, kissing him on the cheeks and smiling wider than he'd ever been able to do. She was the carefree and loyal girl who shared her heart with him and in return took his heart as her own. There was the moment, a brief minute of immortal memories and a minute of total unawareness of reality where they stood there ready to say all those words they hadn't. It was the few seconds that gave them a possibility to forget, forgive and seize the day; the moment before both of them woke up from their bittersweet dreams and returned to the darkness they were in now.

"It's James baby" Lily said with an unfamiliar oddness in her voice. It was like the name James hurt her throat when she spoke it to Severus. Severus felt the cold blood rush through his body, it was not before Lily slipped James name that he felt the rise of hate he forced himself to feel towards her.  
"And he is going to be called Harry" Lily ended more eased to fill out the haunting emptiness around them. Severus eyes narrowed but Lily didn't make any attempt in trying to keep her eyes filled with rage. Lily was glad to see Severus despite every little thing that went wrong.  
"Your eyes are turning soft" Severus noticed to her surprise. He's voice even softened a bit.  
"It's hard being cold, especially towards you Sev" Lily said quietly with one of her hands on her stomach. Harry had kicked her violently. Lilys eyes were fixed on her stomach and Severus eyes on her hand. Severus could only imagine all the features of the little child, a young Potter ready to destroy the self-reliance and the dignity of other human beings. Severus was not weak anymore, he was walking fear not the one that feared anymore. He was a man.

Lily glowed when she stared at her stomach, little Harry kicked brutally and in some twisted imagination she reserved only for herself Severus was going to be a part of her new life, somehow. When this war was over and Severus found his good heart again he would be in there, someday.  
"Looks like you two are going to bicker a lot" Lily said smiling vaguely towards Severus. Something in Severus snapped unexpectedly.  
"Why don't you fear me?" Severus asked with a chilly tone. The smile on Lilys lips died out quickly only leaving a glare mixed with surprise and sadness.  
"Because I know you love me Sev" Lily answered softly and their eyes challenged each other again.

Oh, the never ending irony of it all.

"You should fear me Lily like all of _you_" Severus said not believing his own words himself and clearly not answering her statement about him loving her with a counter one.  
"What will you do to hurt _us_ then Severus?" Lily answered with new found cold and with her emeralds still challenging his blacks as the brave Gryffindor lion in her heart roared.  
His eyes were filled with forced hate; her eyes were filled with genuine disgust.  
Severus thought of her happy without him, with Potter and this _Harry_ who was a bigger part of her life without even being born and then back to the lonely nights in Spinners End and the dark days under the Dark Lords forced hand. The hate, the confusion but mostly the envy rose to the surface.  
"Is that a question you and that filthy baby want an answer to Mudblood?" Severus said ice-cold and raised his wand, not even pointing it towards Lily. It was like the moment of the fractions of joy never happened. He said that word; that word he hated more than anything knowing it was the only thing that could hurt her as much as she hurt him with the baby.

James baby, Lilys baby, _their_ baby.

"Don't ever forget that I know where you came from" Lily shot at him, gave his terrified and hurt eyes a last look and walked past him, not minding to say the word goodbye.  
"Look at me" Severus yelled fiercely towards her back but her steps echoed and left him alone. The thought of soon empty street was almost taunting Severus mind.  
"Lily, if you ever loved me you will look at me" Severus pleaded so that his voice cracked and showed all the emotions.

Lily stopped and he felt his heart stop with her steps. Despite the fact that all the beats were for her they were now stopping and waiting to meet her eyes so he could start living again. The burning wish to meet them, to feel her love or at least to know that he had been loved once in his lifetime was torturing him. The cravings increased for every second she stood still with her back towards him. _If you ever loved me…_

Lily was thinking intensely while her excessive hormones were making her close to crying. She wanted to turn around and scream that Severus was being an insecure and sliming git that didn't deserve her love how intensely it even was for him. Severus didn't deserve a fraction of her heart, soul and mind despite the fact that she had long ago given all those things to him. Lily stood still almost glued to the street under her feet just trying to collect strength to bellow out with the risk of her life and his pleasure or walk away without letting him know that she loved him as long as she known him. Not turning around would result in hurting him as badly as he had hurt her for the second time. This was the right thing to do she thought. Turning around however was her hearts thing to do; it would give him the bittersweet enjoyment of loosing himself in her eyes while she secretly admired the little impossible light that played around in his deep, dark blacks…

It felt like a lifetime of silence and then, without looking back Lily kept on walking away with quicker steps than before. He would do a lifetime of pain for her choice.  
"Look…at…me" Severus yelled again still hoping Lily would turn around to make his wildest, cherished and most bald dreams come true but it was in vain.  
Lily was gone.

Oh, the never ending irony of it all.

***

Severus had begged those eyes to look at him again despite of the fear of being rejected again and they had done it; they were literally stealing his breath away. She looked right at him at his command; all these years of longing after her, hating her for walking away to leave him cold were gone. Severus knew by the look of those emerald greens that she had truly loved him with all her might. Severus gave her the last beat of his long shattered heart, relieved that he shared the last seconds in life with her. It was always and everything for her.  
The fixed gaze of Lilys slowly blurred with the black around him, he welcomed the black while those beautiful greens were still fixed on his blacks guarding him.

He got lost in them, the pain slipped away as they made him feel at home again. Lily let him drown in the sea of comfort, safety and love that only her eyes radiated to him. He felt more alive and more hurt those few seconds than he did for years and the moment of her love was everlasting until he felt the small pieces of light leave his eyes and his mind.  
Her little impossible light.

***

* * *

It's a rainy Monday night and my heart is broken.  
Review.


End file.
